DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
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Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
😏😏😏
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about