You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
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My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
this is the news I live for
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.