Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
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Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Imma just leave this here…………
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
no one likes gloating
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.