“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
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ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog