Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
You Might Also Like
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Come back with a warrant
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”