I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
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One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
when revenge coincides with naptime
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?