Otters see a butterfly.
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I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Sign at work today
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today