Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
You Might Also Like
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Do not levitate over flowers
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady