When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
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Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.