The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
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Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”