“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
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I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
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if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.