TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
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there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth