Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
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I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Google assistant rules
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.