[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
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What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
hmmm
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.