My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
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Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.