I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
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Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Oh my God.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.