Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
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Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Moms. The original autocorrect.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory