My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
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I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”