My dog when she hears popcorn popping
You Might Also Like
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean