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CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
the council will decide your fate
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”