WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
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Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.