Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
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i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?