Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
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I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”