Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
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When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
“OMGJK” -atheists
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
don’t be scared