VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
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ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.