m’lady
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Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Batman v Dracula
Was it something I said?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”