If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
You Might Also Like
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.