Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
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Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Is this you?
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me