Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
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[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.