Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
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if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back: