A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
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Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
one of
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?