Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
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Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”