My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
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Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Me checking my bank balance online.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Cinematography is my passion
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
A little too much information.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably