My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
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If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.