Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
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My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
pls suprot
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right