ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
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A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.