Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
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Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.