me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
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[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating