hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
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Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…