bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
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me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero