ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
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A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Not all heroes wear capes…
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows