“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
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After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
then why did i get this email
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.