Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
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what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay