Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
You Might Also Like
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.