verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
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I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
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