My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
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Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.