white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
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I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
This was the best day of my life
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!