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During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]