Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
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Left at a local drug store…
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Last-minute gift idea!
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
lmfao come on
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…