Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
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KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
I hope they boil the right one.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?